she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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