At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
