is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
