i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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