I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
