btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
