Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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