what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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