He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
being pregnant is like rehab
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
