Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
