Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
