More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
