This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
