So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
