I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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