i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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