Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
