Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
