I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
