I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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