i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
