Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
