LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
