I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
