my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
His nipple licking is glorious
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