literally had 100 drinks last night.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
