did you get engaged???
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
