shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
