I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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