I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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