3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so explain again why im purple
no
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
