he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
