How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it because I queefed?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
