the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
