It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I party with great urgency now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
