Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
