I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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