Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
