Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize