I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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