Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
