when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
