Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...