I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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