My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?