there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.