If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know