sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
