Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
