my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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