I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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