I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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