I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
