I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
