I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
