You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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