Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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