I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
