I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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