my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
