Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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