I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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