He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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