i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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