My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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