before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
