i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
