I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
